I was barely breathing,
Badly screaming
Such a time I would see I didn’t know.
You were supposed to bloody help me!
But you left me there to wither.
Now I am just a stem with a petal or two.
You can still hold me, though it won’t be a sight like before.
I may still have a little fragrance left
But not the strength.
Well that said, it would be easier for you to crush me now.
Bright lights
New dresses
One red and one black too
That new house
Old wine
Spending money as you blink
Giving me all your time!
But hey!
Me not an ocean here!
Me just a mug
Can hold it only till the brink
Be it hurt or love
And when you stuff in that extra care,
Me starts spilling hormones everywhere!
So, sweetheart, it’s okay to lemme fall a few times!
Me made of steel
So won’t break like a glass
Me don’t like so much attention
But like to stand first in class
Me gonna serve you with juice in the morning
And with water when you thirsty
Me knows you want me to give you wine too,
Even though you never ask.
Me would,
but me too ordinary for that…
Me not presentable
Not slender like the other few
Dents here and there, from falling.
Me very simple,
Often afraid of drying and ending up empty someday
So much in love with you that Me knows Me don’t deserve you
So just waiting for you, to lemme down once.
I get ready
I choose my finest dress
I step into pencils
And click out of my address
To another,
hosting a party in through the big, red gate
I do like red,
But will have to excuse this date.
I cross the big gate and walk towards the river
Rubbing the blue robe on the street all through the way
I can’t walk fast so shall I rather try to run?
So that I break them heels to make an excuse to throw them away?
I reach halfway, still clicking on the ground
It’s getting dark, I see fewer people around
It’s good because that is what I would like for tonight
Just me, a pen-a paper, watching the flowing river in the moonlight.
I finally reach the banks, it must be cold
Cause’ the only folks I see, they shiver
My skin doesn’t move, not an inch
As I stand there straight, looking right into the river
I climb downstairs, now I am closer
Just a few steps and my hands will be wet
It’s the Ganges and we worship it first with its water in our hands
Before our feet inside it we set.
Now it’s silent, I can’t hear a soul
Only the water, flowing
Touching my soul.
I sit,
I want to stay there
Till the color of my robe matches the color of the sky
Till when there are plenty of sparkles
shining out of my eyes.
I want to sit by the river
And think of the times
When I was there barefoot
And my clothes didn’t shine
When dad would push me in
Making a big, thunderous sound!
But instead of sailing,
My ship would drown!
I want to sit by the river
And think of how
He would catch hold of me
And pull me out somehow
“Ready for another push?”
He wouldn’t ask, I wouldn’t allow.
Next moment, I would be in the water again,
Struggling to swim somehow!
I want to lie by the river
And think about you
About the similar peace
That I would get with you…
I want to touch the river
As if it was you
I will swim through it tonight thinking it was you
I want to hold it and kiss it thinking it was you
But damn!
It would slip out of hands as if it was really you!
I want to walk by the river
Thinking of my friends
My priceless possessions,
My everlasting trends
My babies, my parents
My strength, my ears
With whom I have shared all my laughter,
My fears.
I will not waste a second thinking about the people who left
They don’t matter anymore, not because they left
But the ones who managed to stay even after they left
Are the people I will sit and smile about by the river…
I will think about the relations that lived
Will not whine about the ones whom life dismissed
But those which fell off weak even after I built them for years
Are the ones I will sit and cry about by the river…
I will wipe off my tears,
When it’s the break of dawn I see,
Now I will let go of the gold
And let go of the heels
I will hide them
And pretend as if I lost them in the dark!
Now I am barefoot again and suddenly my eyes have a spark!
I am waiting,
Maybe dad would come and push me back into the river?
Wondering if now he would ask for permission since we are older?
Hoping this time, I will sail through the river
Explore a direction I had been to never.
Hoping I will find my way back home, like ever
To the people we call as family, or rather call them forever?
I will not forget to think about the people I love
Whom I couldn’t have with me, forever?
Whom I dream about every day,
For whom I could get locked up in a cellar
Whom I wish get everything they ever want in their life
Love, success, compassion in their life
Whom I could give up my dreams for,
Let alone my life
These are the people I will sit and Pray for by the river
These are all the people I will sit and write about by the River…
I climb the stairs one by one
Losing my people as I come
Closer to the top
Don’t know what have I become
Is it alright?
At night I look out of my window to see
A peaceful street ever-so-lonely
Much less than my life I bet
Tricked by dreams and debts.
The streetlight suddenly shimmers and I look again outside
A few people just passed by, out of my sight
It’s about to rain and before the night starts getting wet
I quickly grab my phone and switch on the internet.
I position the camera to capture the sky
But since too tired and sick of posting stuff online
So I just capture it and print it and write this story on it’s behind
That when I leave it and someone gets it,
They have my words on their mind.
On their lips, in their hearts|
A little moment I’ll define.
This moment of theirs particularly to me I’ll confine.
I’ll tell them it’s okay to be alone
Well at least for sometime
And that life is huge and people affluent
Surely some good company you’ll find!
Don’t just adjust for anything just cause everything else seems undefined
Define it,
Give it words
Style It
Call the birds
Tell them to tell the world
At the break of dawn
About it.
That’s about it. I guess I am done for tonight.
I ride to home,
I don’t know way
I still pedal,
pedal away
I don’t know nothing
I know enough
That there is a light,
shining my way.
I see the stars
Illuminate,
and I see the Moon,
moving the waves.
I stop and stare,
at the empty road.
I don’t know where
I am supposed
to be at this time
of this year
am I fine?
Are things clear?
I don’t know nothing,
I know enough,
That Sun’s gonna shine,
as the morning comes.
I see the light,
I see the rain,
I see a rainbow,
from my window pane.
I rush outside
couldn’t get enough.
I never got enough
Cause’ it’s never enough.
I see the stars
Illuminate,
and I see the Moon,
moving the waves.
I look again
Cause’ its love.
It has these scars,
and its still love.
And then I know
why these different beings
still fall in love
with these flawed things?
Cause’ it the eye of the beholder that defines Beauty, as you must have heard.
Well that’s true
Well that’s true.
Then I meet these trees
and they hide my love, they hide the Moon!
But I ain’t angry,
Cause’ they let me play!
This game of surprises
that nature offers
You never know when u get to see love again
and say goodbye, only for a while
When there’s morning, u know.
I give up pedals,
I take to legs.
Just have 2,
just enough.
I feel the breeze
talk its talk
I can’t decipher, but I can hear
so who cares?
Well I don’t.
I am content this time, with just hearing.
I live a mess
I thrive for peace
I die for love
and extra cheese!
I go back home,
with the wind on my side
I open the window,
and it revives!
And I thank the Lord,
for all the love,
for a life and stuff
for this life… and stuff.
It’s 6 in the evening.
I come home after work, change and sit in the living room to have snacks. For company I tune in some random channel on the T.V.
Guess which movie is being telecasted?
“The Notebook”
My over-protective inner self: “Nikita change it. It ain’t good for ya..”
So I try to change the channel but nothing else seems to be coming and the movie had just started so that was the happy part going on, for the moment.
My inviting-vulnerabilities inner self: “What will I lose? Let me just watch it till I finish the snacks. Things are different now, maybe it wouldn’t affect me so much!”
I had first seen this movie before 4 years and with the over sensitive being that I am, I was disturbed for days, especially after knowing that a part of that stuff was real.
(Notebook is a romantic novel based on a True Story written by Nicholas Sparks in 1996, inspired by his wife’s grandparents who had been married for more than 60 sixty years when he met them.) (Source: Google)
In no time 60 minutes pass by and my roommate comes home. I am so glad that she doesn’t sit and talk with me and straight away heads towards the room. I need my space so that I can do whatever I want without being stared at.
But what is it that I want to do at the moment?
I cry as Martha Shaw comes in. As everyday, willingly of course, she is invited and yet rejected, loved and yet made to feel small.
When Noah takes Allie on the boat, which he built himself, and later takes her to the house, which again, he built himself.
As they sit in THE Room drinking beer and the way he looks at her.
As Allie sits there naked and paints.
When her mom drives her to this construction site and tells her that she truly loves her father but how once she was madly in love with that guy who is still working at that site and how her life could have been different if she had tried a little harder.
When Allie reads his letters sitting in the car. As they fight only to come back together. All the freakin’ time. Every time.
How they grow old together, how they die TOGETHER. Even being so old when they can hardly stand still without support, how they still kissed with that holy intense love.
I mean that’s too much to handle with closed lips so I open my mouth and cry.
And just then my roommate comes out of the room!
My conscious inner-self: “Embarrassing!! Nikita stop crying now.”
My brain and heart and other organs: “Well it’s too late now for that!”
So I keep crying no matter what and my eyes swell and mean while my roommate tries her best to divert my mind.
She cracks jokes, makes me laugh for a second only to lose me again to the movie in the next.
In a few minutes the movie gets over.
I get up, go to wash my face.
My solicitous inner self: “Nikita she tried so hard to make you laugh when you were tearing up on that movie. That was really sweet of her.”
Recently a bee had stung me on my finger and the whole area had swelled up like a potato! It was really painful and I had thought of sleeping hungry or else ordering from outside that day.
But situation’s changed now, so with that swollen hand I go to cook.
Me: “Had dinner?”
My roommate: “No.. too tired to cook!”
Me: “Okay, you wanna have Uthapam?”
My roommate: “Yea even I was wondering maybe we could order something from outside.”
Me: “Don’t even worry! I’ll prepare it. Would you like to have?”
“ukw, Better have it, it’ll be nice I promise!”
And we sleep with full stomachs.
“Give love, get love”. Simple! 🙂 🙂
Picture credit : Google
I am standing out, waiting for a carriage
To take me from here to that place away
I am waiting right at its spot, per diem, around 6
Cause it wouldn’t pick me up mid-way.
Now and again I get late and the carriage I miss!
I feel unhappy and distressed.
Occasionally I have friends who offer me a ride
And I am pleased to accept!
But until this time never had I,
Sat down and pondered
As to why do I link my happiness to these carriages?
Who are not mine, who don’t have a mind?
So how can I blame them if someday they don’t show up?
If they don’t wait for me
If they refuse to carry me
Cause they might have offered my spot to a different person
If they abandon me cause I no more make their carriage look pretty
If they can’t understand the simple fact, that if a person makes an effort to be around you,
You’ve got to reciprocate too.
But then again, these carriages
They are not mine and they don’t have a mind
So how can I blame them to not understand?
These facts, and demand
Something in return
Cause dude, at the end they are just carriages who carry us and let us link ourselves to them
When they are empty and we are beautiful
Otherwise, these carriages, oops, these people, are a completely different story…
picture credit: http://www.tripadvisor.com
Bangalore, February, 2018
Just like the wind, clouds and our planets, Winter keeps moving too.
It came to Bangalore in the early days of December. It has stayed here for quite a while now and is finally moving away.
These days the Sun doesn’t forget to knock my window early in the morning and I am happy that its touch feels better than my alarm. I sleep alone and cover my face with the blanket anyways!
I remember a few years back I was a different person. I couldn’t live alone and needed my parents for everything. I felt suffocated if I covered my face while sleeping. I wouldn’t sleep without a night lamp. But now I prefer pitch darkness. I changed.
My home changed too, quite a few times actually.
Year 2000, my family and I move to a new house, mom and dad turn it into a beautiful home, balcony, garden, flowers, butterflies, colors. Much love.
Year 2013, I move a thousand miles away from home, to Chennai, to my grandparent’s place to study further.
Year 2013, my grandma becomes my mother and her house my home.
My grandpa cooks for me, packs me lunch boxes, grandma takes care of me when I am sick (which happened very rarely, thanks to her again), gets me Wifi, buys me new clothes on festivals, even though she never buys for herself, takes me to temples, teaches me Sanskrit shlokas, good values. Much love.
Year 2017, my parents move to a new home.
I move to Bangalore to work and stay at a hotel over night.
I stay at another hotel for the next 15 days.
I stay as a paying guest for the next 15 days (hated it).
August, I move to a flat. Find friends who turn it into a beautiful place to live in. We cook, wash, clean, no T.V so we talk for hours, help and get helped. Much love.
Nothing is constant and my people moved.
I moved.
Year 2018, February 15,
I shift to another flat. The TV makes me feel at home, if not the people. It’s just been 2 days and I barely know them. First night in the house and I dream about being posted to France. No doubt I wake up excited.
“This place might be good for my dreams at least”, I wonder.
Why I wrote this blog was not to mention my timeline but to record these little gestures of love I received, so that I don’t forget them, ever.
February 14th I am cleaning out my closet and housemaid comes. She knocks everyday by 7:30 in the morning.
It had been exactly 2 months since we had hired her and one month since my old flat mates moved out and new ones came, only physically replacing them.
I handed her salary in her hands.
“Aunty, I am leaving today evening, I am moving to another place…”
She fell out of words.
So did I.
I used to sleep on a thin mattress on the floor and every morning I would fold it up, collect the stuff lying here and there on the floor and make the room ready for her to clean. So she liked to clean my room. She would clean my vessels at times even though i didn’t pay her for that. She reciprocated the gesture I guess.
“What Madam, u also leaving.. even other two Madams left.. am I supposed to leave too?”
“No you stay, I have told the new girls to pay you timely.”
“I am gonna charge extra from them.. their friends make the washroom really dirty.. it takes more effort!”
I smile. I know whatever she said was true and she was a nice lady.
She speaks Kannada but manages with broken Hindi with me.
“No no… how much we are paying for you is fine Aunty.. .”
She smiles and tries to convince me but stops in middle and resumes her work.
A few minutes later, she calls out for me telling me that she was going…
And I feel empty.
After my friends left there was only this lady and now she won’t be there too. I wont be there too.. what about my home. Will it miss all of us after we leave? These windows and the balcony and the shower, would they feel empty too?
Idk.
“Madam..what Madam..you also going now..”, she repeats with a heavy heart.
“I am in the same society.. just another flat..”
Her face lights up.
“yea..the condition of this place is not good..better you are going.. if u need a maid there call me.. hope we will see each other!”
She has tears in her eyes and smile on her lips.
I tell her bye and get ready for office. She leaves for the day.
It’s hard to forget her face. So Much love.
Next,
I call my mom and tell her that I have finally moved to the new place and she is stressed out.
“I don’t like you moving here and there all by yourself! There is no one there how do you manage? I couldn’t have done that if I was in your place.”
I am sure she could have. Just like I did. Like everybody else does. Situations always come along with the strength to tackle them.
I wish I could tell her about all the love I received on the way, at all the places I took a halt at.
When during vacations I am going back to meet my family, the conversation goes on like this,
My Mom: “Where are you right now?”
Me: I am at home, still packing.
Mom: “When will u reach home?”
Me: I’ll start from home at 1.. I’ll reach home by 6 in the evening! See you soon!
Bye for now! 🙂
I have longed to see the light of the night
To see the stars, not from my terrace but from a friend’s
Have longed to own a bike of my own and go out alone
But they say they care, and so they cage me!
Well, I am sorry but that does enrage me!
If they see me out with other guys at an odd hour,
They suddenly possess their J.Ds and start judging from afar.
Please, people, get a life of your own
Stop judging and let me have a life of my own!
I am done listening to what to do and where not to go.
I am done being judged on what I wore…
Saturday night has always been a beautiful dream,
which cannot come true for me.
Unless I marry of course,
To another cage.
Better let me die happy if that’s the case
Or let me live in peace and stop the chase
Please bring down the cameras that I feel around me
Please shut those eyes, that I feel around me
Eyes, waiting to judge me for having my Saturday night
Eyes waiting to suck all the peace out of my life
I have long forgotten how to dance in front of a crowd, am I shy or made to feel ashamed?
I could do it when I was a child
But now I am not a kid anymore, I am a girl.
And that has made all the difference.
Take me with you
Take me to the End of the skies!
Baby skip the hellos, goodbyes
And let’s start living our dreams
Let’s BE-WILD!
Baby bear with me when I shout in my sleep
Move your hands on my hair, kiss me to sleep
Take me…
Take me for a walk to the End-of- the world,
Sweetie parade your comfort in your shoes and I’ll flaunt all the pain in my heels
Let’s talk out of senses and loose our grip on the feels
Let’s BE-HIGH!
Let’s break all the fences in between
Let’s tell them that we know how to be
Be WILD-IN-LOVE!
Baby take me to the depths of the world!
Let’s swim with the fishes and you pick me those pearls
Let’s bring alive the things we wrote on our list
And I don’t mind if at times we talk with our fists
As long as we TALK-OF-LOVE!
Baby take me to your room and make me your queen
I’ll talk through my eyes, sweetie try to glean what I mean
It’s not hard cause you know what I mean
I mean Love.
Baby let’s hold our hands and spread smiles
Feel lucky for all those little whiles
That we got to live in each other’s dreams
When we got to be as wild as we wanted to be
Baby take me to the Heavens with you!
We’ll go hand-in-hand no matter what comes through
Let’s compliment all our Gods on the pair that they made come true
Let’s BE-IN-LOVE!
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